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kiloskillme
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Name: Raye-ann
Country: Australia
Metro: Sydney
Gender: Female
Interests: Ana, being thin, bones, dieting, exercise, losing weight, THIN THIN THIN, fashion, fashion design, modelling, art, music, photography, film, coffee, jewellery and accessories, shopping, working out, reading, poetry
Expertise: being fat and ugly
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
MSN: ask me
Yahoo:  ask me
Member Since:
4/23/2006
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| Hey, it's time for a fresh new start!
http://www.xanga.com/anaflagrace
Comment and subscribe to you guys as soon as I get the time (I only have 5 minutes right now, my family hogs the computer!)
LOVE,
-xXRaye
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| Hey, long time no updating, huh?
I'll comment you guys back real soon, I promise.
Ana made me happy.
Ana made me light.
Ana made me confident.
And ana destroyed me when she left me with mia. Begging, begging for her to come back... But sometimes I think maybe she didn't leave me at all. Maybe it was I who left her. I need to go back to her. I need to....
You can't trust anybody. We all know that. Friends don't mean a thing.
How many times have you called them and they said they were busy or they cancelled all your arrangements for a day out?
How many times have you been locked up in your room, bored to death, and torn to tears looking at your body in the mirror and smashing the scale?
How many times have you picked up that measuring tape and tried to strangle yourself? How many times has your head been town the toilet bowl?
How many times have those razor blades cut through your delicate skin?
How many times have you run, run away from yourself and your fears, running to reach your goal, to reach happiness, only to tumble back and twist your ankle?
When will the world leave us in our misery?
We may be miserable now, but it'll all change. When we take control of ourselves, our lives, when we sacrifice something good for something greater. We'll be happy, in control, and feared. The most powerful of feelings. The one which makes you sweat, your thoughts spin, and your heart beat... Faster, faster, faster... They will all fear us and listen to us. We will no longer be neglected and ignored. They will listen because they know if they don't, we can do something which is so simple for us but torturing for them: starve. We threaten to starve and starve ourselves until we die. And they will take us seriously. Because they will finally realize and accept our strength, determination, and will power. They will envy us not only for our physical beauty, but for our power over our bodies. We believe anything is possible and failure is not an option. And thus, we are the most successful of people. We eat, drink, breathe, exercise, and live Ana.... Recovery? We will never recover. You cannot change the thoughts of a person. That's like a bloody brain transplant, am I right? How many who have supposedly recovered go back into relapse or still count calories or still exercise excessively? How many hours do they take to get ready, trying to hide every inch of their body, thinking they're fat? They still pick at their food, dammit, whether they realize it or not. And they still weigh themselves and look back at photos of their tiny body and their teeny clothes. Old habits die hard.
But this is not a habit.
It's an obsession.
A strive for perfection.
A lifestyle. Not a disease. Whether you chose it or it just sprang on you, you know there's no going back. Because you love it and yet you hate it. Obey and you will love every minute of the rewards which follow. Patience is a virtue. And happiness is a privilge.
Ana asks of so little of us compared to what she gives us.
Goblins and ghouls rip and stab at my heart, yearning for perfection. Screaming out at me to take control. They dice and dice my heart into the tinest of pieces until I feel I've had enough and wish to die. But ana keeps pushing me, further and further everyday. Because I know and she knows and we all know... That perfection exists and we have to pay a very small price for a life-long happiness.
All in good time.
Let's start over. This is my absolute last chance. I can't blow it.
I feel that xanga hasn't been helping me at all with weight loss. In
fact, it's only made me gain weight. I wasn't like this before. Since I
joined xanga it was alright at first, I didn't even need it to keep
track. I'd just fast and fast and fast and could update a week later
saying "Ate nothing." But since I went bulimic, xanga has just made me
feel worse and worse, binging almost everyday...
I'm back to where I started. From 90lbs back to 110lbs. I feel hopeless.
I have to get ana back and not just get her back, but make her stay.
I'm so sick of mia, it's ruined my life more than you can imagine.
Tomorrow's a new day. My plan is to restrict until my body is used to it. Then I can fast forever, if that were possible. But nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it. And to prove to you that you don't need food to survive... You can live 54.3 (or 53.4) years on coffee alone. No jokes, I read this on the CoffeeGeek forums and I listen to the podcast as well.
I have to put a lot of time into my pro-ana site but I know that in the end it'll help me out a lot. I'm just finding it difficult to make room in my schedule and when I do have the time, I don't have the facilities. We've only got 1 computer to share between a family of 6. I keep asking my parents to think about another PC but they never listen to me. Only to my siblings when they ask for a bike or playstation or this or that or GRRRR I'm so ignored.
When I starved and starved my mom started to take me seriously. Because she was afraid. She was scared. She even tried to bribe me with money, saying she'd give me $200 or this or that or whatever I wanted if I ate. I was so in control. I not only controlled myself, but my mother as well. I had all the power I'd wished for. She just wanted to keep me alive until my dad came back from his 2-3 month business trip. Well he's back now. And I'm sure she'd told him something because he keeps chasing after me about food and the importance of having meat in my diet blah blah blah. No, dad. You don't understand.
Food or fashion?
Thin or nutrition?
Power or dependence?
Feast or famine?
The famine for fashion is on.
And there's no stopping me.
-Raye
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| *drum roll*
YAY!!!!!!! xD
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Okies, so here's how it's been...!
Thursday was like the last time I talked about my intake, so here goes..
Friday - didn't fast, ate like TONS.
Saturday - fasted, about 10 kcal or so (from gum, coffee, etc.)
Sunday - broke fast at like 6:35PM, celebrating mom's b'day which was actually the day before heh....
Monday - ate, ate, ate
Tuesday - piggy, piggy, piggy...
I'd only fast like half the day and pig out the other half so it was like completely useless, practically!
Today, Wednesday....
~ B
-black coffee
~ L
-1 can pepsi max
-2 pieces gum
~ D
-1 can pepsi max
-2 pieces gum
-centrum x1 (soon)
I can't be bothered right now to count the calories, it isn't really anything worth counting anyway.
Today we went on a road trip to the Blue Mountains, 2nd time I've been there. It was dead boring, we were there for friggin' 9 hours man, thank God my iPod battery power didn't fail me. I only took like 2 of these pics, my siblings took the rest....
Uhh, my friend is going overseas tomorrow night and yeah, so I'm gonna go over there and see her tomorrow afternoon. AFTER "lunch". In the morning, I'll probably go shopping. AGAIN :P I bought another pair of shoes yesterday, omg, wow.. They're so hott :P I'm getting another pair tomorrow plus another bag and some more jewellery. Yes, my parents are going crazy about my spending, but it's just very theauraputic for me lol. When I don't eat, I like to shop, it makes me feel good ^_^ Oh yeah, I forgot! I also bought a really cute velvet jacket with frills and fur and chains and stuff omg so cute and a like 3-tone green neck scarf as well, soooo pretty!!! Oh, I bought a ring too! Lol okay, I'll just stop here before I remember everything else -_-;;
Eventually though, I'll put some pics up here of most of my wardrobe I guess because I've bought like half of it in the last 6 months heh... I've thrown out suitcases full of older and bigger clothes which I never want to see ever again.
Anyhoo...
Yeah, I talk a lot heehee...
OH CRAP I JUST REMEMBERED....*Cry* These family friend people invited us over for dinner on Saturday night. Dude, this is really really bad... Because the guy is a DOCTOR and his wife is a NURSE who is friggin' in charge of the whole nursing unit in some hospital so yeah she's like head nurse or whatever.. Manager, if you like.
What the hell am I supposed to do? The last time she saw me I was like 90lbs and saying how I should eat, blah blah blah.... Omg, I'm so scared, what do I do? They're gonna freak, all of them, because even dad is going to be damned sitting on that table, waiting for me to put something in my mouth. Good God, I need a friggin' miracle, PLEASE.
Do any of you have any life-saving advice?!!!!?!?!?!! :( :( :(
Reverse triggers, not much, maybe more tomorrow?
EEEEEWWWW!!
Take care, everybody 
~Raye-Ann
PS ERICK: You said you were gonna join Weight Watchers and do the South Beach Diet and stuff, dude, you weigh like a 10-year-old kid. But you're such a friggin'....
Everybody, meet the face of my future fashion label. Get an autograph before he's famous :P The crowd is gonna go wild, baby!
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| Hi,
Sorry about not updating. I've been fasting on and off these past days.
Well, I only have 5 minutes left so yeah... I'll blog more tomorrow.
But I've changed the layout as you can see, hopefully it's readable, Erick lol... Anyhoo, I put all the icons together myself ^_^ Photoshop, it really takes a lot of time so you can't get up and eat, etc...
Tomorrow I was meant to go shopping with my friend but she cancelled a few hours ago so yeah I guess I'm on my own :( But I did buy a Juicy Couture VINTAGE bag like2 days ago :P Mom's gonna kill me whne she finds out how much I've been spending!
Take care!!
XOXOXOX
~Raye-Ann
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